I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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