The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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