my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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