Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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