Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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