I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize