Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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