Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
