New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
