How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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