The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
