Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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