Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize