My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
