we're chasing vodka with high fives
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
