God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
