It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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