Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
