He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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