we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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