And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
