If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
