I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Randomize
