How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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