I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
