Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
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