omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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