i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
