I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She told me I should be a condom model.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
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