I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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