considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
