So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
