I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
