Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
