So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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