Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
