I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
