i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
