Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
