I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
don't judge my taste in strippers
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
