I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
