I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
