Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The power of my boobs compel you
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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