He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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