She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
