I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
