You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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