I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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