Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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