I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
