She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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