I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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