His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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