Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
