I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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