Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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