i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
