Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
