either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize