I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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